Coping: Women Working Through a Time of Transition

By BARBARA MATHIAS-RIEGEL

Published in The Washington Post, February 7th, 2000

READY TO DO SOMETHING

A year ago Pat McGovern was in limbo. Divorced and in her fifties, she had packed up her gear and left a small town in Illinois to move back to her hometown, Washington D.C.

Despite the familiar ground, McGovern was "at loose ends." Her youngest child had left for college so there was no call for her daily nurturing.

Though she had worked all her life at a variety of jobs, from teaching to university office work, she now felt like some dilettante taking an occasional painting course and having too much time on her hands. "I was ready to do something," recalls McGovern, "but I didn't know what."

A "WORK-THROUGH" PROCESS

One day while in her local bookstore, she spotted a small card advertising "RETIREMENT" OR WHAT NEXT™ - a discussion group for women contemplating a ''change." "I had never gone to anything like this and although I was intrigued, I was quite anxious about attending," says McGovern. Still, she signed up for six 1-hour discussions held over a three-month period, and facilitated by psychotherapists Karen Van Allen and Ruth Neubauer in their Northwest Washington offices.

The groups are kept small. For example, in McGovern's group there were five women, most in their fifties.

"This isn't a therapy group; this is a work-through process," explains Neubauer in her office, which looks more like a living room with its paintings, soft lighting and plants. The women don't receive any instructions on resumes, financial planning or interview techniques, nor are they guaranteed answers as to what to do with their lives.

Instead, they are given an opportunity to confidentially talk about their need for a change. And it doesn't always mean a new job. (Allen and Neubauer have met with single and married women who have always worked outside the home, as well as those who haven't worked for many years.) What it does mean, says Allen, is "getting serious about what's in your heart."

"This is a time when women want to make the most of what remains of life; they want to redefine their work or express themselves more creatively; they want to work in a more deeply connected way with others and with themselves," says Neubauer.

CHALLENGES

Yet they face a society that is not very kind to women who are not productive or workplace-based. All those bonbon jokes. "Because of these societal injunctions, these women don't hear or taste their passions anymore," says Allen. "We help them remember what it is that they feel passionate about."

With the aid of reading, writing, poetry, imagery and open discussion the women attending easily form a community of like-mindedness. Together, they work on such sticky issues as the capacity and adaptation to being alone now or in later life; "fading" eyesight and hearing that interfere with work and avocations; the need to de-junk one's house; and the greatest bugaboo-fear of being financially strapped.

"Every woman, married or single, worries about money, and has a bag-lady fantasy," says Allen. They think - 'If I follow my heart's desire, the punishment will be disaster. I won't be able to support myself.' "

Even women in the workplace for 30 years still have a difficult time assessing their financial value, says Neubauer. They are especially worried about following their avocation and then charging too much, for instance, in consulting or tutoring or in selling their art work. It seems to be more an issue of assertion and self-worth, than not knowing the market.

CONTINUING THE DISCUSSION

This is a lot to chew on in such a short time. Little wonder that after the discussions the five women in McGovern's group would continue talking over a late dinner at a near by restaurant. With the sessions ended, they now are making plans to meet socially just to keep in touch with how they are processing toward those dreams.

Pat McGovern will be able to tell them with confidence that she no longer feels at loose ends or guilty taking painting courses. Indeed, she has developed an added interest: bookbinding.

"So I have pursued my art," she says. "I do it with a clear conscience and enjoy myself."

Published with the author's permission