By RUTH NEUBAUER & KAREN VAN ALLEN
Published in Washington Woman Magazine, November 2001
A UNIQUE OPPORTUNITY
Madeline
spent her entire working life as a speech therapist. Her twin girls
were in their first year of graduate school and her husband was
about to retire from his law firm. She knew that she too could retire
but was disturbed because what kept her from doing so was the nagging
question, "What do I do with the rest of my life?" The
question took on a new urgency and a new awareness with the death
of her mother at 85. She wanted to make the most of what remained
of her own life. However, what to do and how to do it were not at
all clear.
“What to do and how to do it were not at
all clear”
Madeline
and her female peers in their 50's and beyond, have a unique opportunity
to consider these questions. Changes in health habits, in the culture,
in women's roles in and out of the work place, and a longer life-expectancy
have changed the landscape for women in the last 30 years.
Options
abound relating to work, relationships, and matters of the soul.
This article describes the tasks that can support this transition
and allow women to embrace the opportunities presenting themselves.
“Talking
with other women about current experiences can be profoundly helpful.”
BEING IN COMMUNITY WITH OTHER WOMEN
Talking
with other women about current experiences can be profoundly helpful.
Like the consciousness-raising groups of the 1970's, this generation
of women seeks community to explore and contemplate this time of
transition. Women find common ground with the statement "I
know everything looks OK on the outside, but I feel restless and
unsettled." Within the safety of a community of women, lost
passions and interests which were sacrificed to parental values,
competing interests or other demands may be remembered. In just
such a group, Madeline recalled that throughout her childhood, she
loved to draw and paint. She assumed she would go to art school,
but her parents had other ideas and insisted that she pursue something
"realistic." As she shared her thoughts and feelings about
this, she was encouraged by the other women to consider how she
might revisit this lost passion.
COMING
TO TERMS WITH BELIEFS AND FEELINGS ABOUT AGING
Most
women feel an inevitable requirement to reckon with their age and
time of life, to make an acquaintance with their own images and
feelings about being an aging woman in our culture, our communities,
our families. Ellen, a woman in Madeline's group, recognized that
some of her feelings about aging came from her family history. Her
maternal grandfather had left her grandmother for a "younger
woman" and the emotional and financial disasters from that
scandal and divorce became inextricably linked to age anxiety with
all the women of the family. Ellen became more aware of the long-lasting
impact of that divorce as she began to consider her feelings about
her own aging.
It
is essential to identify our personal myths and beliefs in each
of these contexts. Left unidentified and unchallenged, distortions
may persist which make it impossible for a free creative process
to emerge in which there can be a new understanding of one's narrative,
ambitions, ideas and ideals. With awareness and an opportunity to
share, new ideas about one's place in the timeline of life can arise.
Along
with issues regarding the cultural understanding of "retirement"
come the contradictory experiences of having zest, energy, 50-some
years of experience, understanding, perspective and a desire for
meaningful activity. While aging is real, our attitudes towards
it are formed both by the culture around us and the meaning we give
it.
TOLERATING
THE TENSION OF NOT DOING
Erik
Erikson in his classic book Childhood and Society (Norton, 1963)
describes the 50s as the beginning of a life cycle phase termed
"mature adulthood" in which we wrestle with the growing
tension between "generativity" and "stagnation."
The tension between growth and stagnation must be negotiated. Frequently,
when faced with this kind of tension, people employ what psychologists
call the "manic defense," a rush to do something/anything
because tolerating the tension is so difficult.
“Madeline decided to maintain her faith
in the transition process”
Madeline
did not find being in the "in-between" an easy task and
considered staying in her job on a part-time basis to ease her transition
to something else. She came to realize that staying on would be
a kind of stagnation. She decided instead to maintain her faith
in the transition process. For her that meant retiring and allowing
something new to emerge. A sharpened awareness of time as finite
functions as a powerful reminder that this very moment provides
us with remarkable and unique opportunities to grow and change.
LISTENING
IN AND LETTING GO
Coming
to terms with the passage of time requires listening and attending
to our "inner voice," our "inner wise woman."
We may realize that some beliefs and habits which may have served
us in the past are no longer useful. The deep attachments we have
formed to our "stories" (who we believe ourselves to be)
may no longer be relevant. Once "old scripts" are acknowledged
as outdated, they may be relinquished. Ellen realized that an "old
script" shared by her mother and sisters involved excessive
attention to appearance as necessary to sustain a relationship with
a man. As she came to see the tyranny of this belief, she was able
to gradually let go of it. For Ellen, one of the immediate consequences
was that she had more time to devote to other things.
“We need to trust that if we let go and change,
we will survive”
Letting
go is difficult. We need to trust that if we let go and change,
we will survive. Whether it is a job which has become unfulfilling,
a relationship which is dispiriting, or a diminishing belief about
who we are, letting go is both crucial and painful. For some, letting
go in the psychological sense may be accompanied by a strong urge
to let go of "stuff," to declutter one's living space.
Whether
what we are letting go of was good or bad or both, it is important
to acknowledge any sadness that may be there. Each letting go allows
space for something new to emerge, and it is from this space that
authentic and creative ideas arise. It is in this space where we
can play. It is in this space where the imagination thrives.
OPENING
TO THE IMAGINATION
Our
own imagination, our greatest tool, needs support to take us where
we want to go. Art, music, poetry, movement and meditation are all
pathways to the imagination. Listening to a piece of evocative music,
reading a poem that holds meaning, recording one's dreams, moving
to music, sitting in meditation, all can open the heart to what
the imagination holds. Poetry shares metaphorically and speaks in
its sparseness. Writing freely opens the mind to words we didn't
know we had and thoughts we hadn't previously thought and possibilities
we hadn't contemplated. Movement to music may bring new images and
ideas to our minds or feelings to our bodies which need to be understood.
In play and in imaginings, new forms can emerge, new ideas can sprout,
and even old repressed feelings can arise. The task here is to allow
for the magic of the imagination to play its role in the transition
process.
ASKING
WHAT NEXT?
Today,
women over 50 have vitality and wisdom. It is a time to give voice
to our stories, identify the myths we've believed to be true and
make choices regarding letting go and moving on. Once the current
state of emotional and physical reality has been established, there
can be clarity about what comes next. Madeline found a way to return
to her love of drawing and painting through a course in faux painting.
She is developing her skills and has accepted a few commissions
from friends. She has maintained a meditation practice begun during
her quest and kept in touch with the women who accompanied her.
When she embarked on this journey, Madeline did not know where it
would lead, and today she celebrates her courage.
“Madeline found strength in discovering she wasn't alone”
Like
many women grappling with the question of "what next,"
Madeline found strength in discovering she wasn't alone and that
a process such as this one could support her transition to her "what
next." Joining a group or forming one is a beginning. Looking
at one's stereotypes about being an aging woman in our culture,
letting go of burdensome psychological baggage and clutter, not
rushing to action, listening to one's inner voice and employing
the imagination are key tasks. This process merits serious consideration
of the transition as the unique, precious opportunity that it is.
Published
with permission from Washington Woman Magazine, November 2001
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